9w4d L'il Update

Sorry so long between posts. Thanks for checking in. Everything is so far so good with the two growing embryos... which now might be fetuses? Not sure of exact definition. Apparently they are about the size of grapes, so we are calling them "The Grapes."

I have been pretty sick. The first half of every day is pretty low-key as all I can do on most mornings is eat as much as I can get down in 2 separate breakfasts about 2 hours apart and then wind up falling asleep again. When I wake up at about noon or 1PM, I'm usually feeling a bit better and then try to get out and get some exercise by walking. I can't wait until I'm allowed to swim. Right now I still can't because I think there is some concern that it could wash away the progesterone vaginal suppositories that are so crucial.

I have not yet thrown up, and am really happy about that. And some days are really quite tolerable and not bad at all. But I have never been so tired. It's shocking (in a tired way, if you know what I mean). I had always heard of the exhaustion in the first trimester, but I had no idea it was so overwhelming. I now officially worship the women who take care of their other small children while pregnant AND some who do this and work too! I cannot imagine how they function. And yet, so many do it and do it well!

Mentally, things have been a bit lighter in the past 10 or so days. I don't have precise answers as to why, I only know that I am grateful and hope the trend continues. Even with the raging hormones, I seem to be spending less time depressed or anxious and more time in the "normal zone." Can't say I'm feeling AWESOME, but who would with 24-7 nausea? I have been continuing to work without fail at therapy, meditation and other parts of life.

It's pretty mysterious, how something that can seem completely overwhelming from one outlook can seem completely manageable (and maybe even fun?) through another outlook. The mind is so mysterious in some ways. But it does follow patterns, and if I can get quiet enough, it's possible to begin to discern... and slowly, like a determined snail, make my way across that barren concrete to another lush garden where I will likely, and with luck, spend the vast majority of my lifetime.

I have not yet formed a substantial attachment to these Grapes. I have little glimmers of looking forward to the future, but until we've gone through the genetic testing and made it further into this pregnancy, I don't really have the urge to be overly attached. I feel fairly optimistic, but I am wary. As... as we learn to be.

So on that note, we have an RE appointment in 4 days, an OB appointment in 9 days, as well as our genetic counseling session in preparation for CVS testing in a couple weeks from now.

I am reading you. :)

7w5d - First OB Appointment

I went for my first OB appointment today. I liked the doc a lot and think I will stick with her. She answered all my questions and was reasuring. I could tell she's heard it all before, and instead of finding that at all annoying, I found it rather comforting. Can you imagine how many people have asked, "Can I eat peanut butter during pregnancy?" We did a vag ultrasound and...

... there are still two and they are still both measuring normally with little beating hearts. One measuring at 7w6d and the other at 8w.

Last week, I noticed that my nausea decreased rather suddenly one day. This was a big change from how it had been at, say, 6 weeks when it was really bad. I had convinced myself that perhaps we'd had a vanishing twin, which is really quite common. I admit that I was somewhat comfortable with the idea, as I am still totally freaked out about having twins. But I was also relieved to see that they are both doing fine. And the nausea is back, in waves. Nothing original, I know. Not the first person to feel gaggy and food-hatin' all day!

I have still been feeling some depression. Which, I guess isn't all that unusual, since they say that 1 in 5 women experience depression during their pregnancy or post-partum. And today I learned that depression/anxiety is the number one complication of childbirth. When I think about it that way, it doesn't seem so weird or anything to be ashamed of. It's not made easier by feeing physically ill most of the time, and in fact, I think it has contributed to my challenges in bouncing back.

But I will bounce back. I know that these feelings are not who I am, and that they are temporary and treatable. In fact, I am signing up to be a part of a pregnancy/mood study at a local university. I just found out that I qualify nicely and I think it will give me some more insight and the coordinator told me that they refer women in the study to support systems regularly (therapists, psychiatrists, etc who specialize in this). Can't hurt, and I might actually contribute to helping someone in the future. That makes me feel really good.

6w1d Heartbeats and Nausea

I went for 6 week scan today and we saw two little fluttery heartbeats. Here is a 3D scan of Batman and Robin in their gestational sacs. Each about the size of a lentil! They each also have a "yolk sac" attached, though superhero uniforms do not yet seem to be present.



One of them is measuring at 6w4d (CRL=.61cm; GS=2.26) and the other at 6w5d (CRL=.54cm; GS=2.45).

Quite crazy indeed! Additional good news is that my RE wants to continue to follow me closely until 12 weeks. I am so grateful to not be let go right away. I also have made an initial appointment with an OB recommended by my RE (who has experience with IVF pregnancies, twins, high risk, etc.) 2 weeks from now.

I am also scheduled for CVS with one of the most highly regarded guys in the country for this procedure. Will do this test at 11 1/2 weeks because I have to wait until at least 11 weeks with twins.

So far so good and the best news of all this week is I AM ALLOWED TO RESUME EXERCISE because the placental separation I had has resolved. I am so grateful. I don't do very well without exercise. I really hope I never have to be on long bed rest. No jinx, no jinx.

Mentally. Wow. It's been really intense. I should have been expecting this, as I've read it in so many peoples' blogs... IF'ers don't just turn off the stress and uncertainty and all of a sudden turn into those people who feel unabandoned happiness. I am happy very deep inside, and I know I'm lucky so far and I am extremely grateful every day. But I am going to tell the truth here: I am quite shocked and sometimes downright scared shitless about twins. I had issues BEFORE about how having one kid might change my life in ways that I might not love, but now it's magnified.

Sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed, and last week I was very clearly depressed. The hormones are pumping. This week I'm feeling a bit different. A little calmer, a little less shell-shocked. I am trying to give myself permission to take time to let it sink in, to go day by day and grow with whatever grows within me. I am experimenting with a new paradigm right now: I will walk willingly through this gate of change and be changed by the experience. If this pregnancy (oh my god I wrote it!) carries on, I will be changed, my life will change. Grasping on to who I was with terror of losing the "before" is not only futile, it's irrelevant. I want to be excited and optimistic about this adventure. I have glimpses of it. But I'm not there yet.

Complicating the mental challenges is the fact that I'm feeling pretty sick. Food sucks. I hate food. I must eat it, however, and I do feel a lot better when I have chomped down some grub, but I am averted to everything. I have not yet yacked, and am remaining hopeful that it stays like this and doesn't get too much worse. The morning sickness was detectable at 4.5 weeks but really kicked in at 5.5 weeks.

What a friggin' trip this is. Any tips and assvice appreciated. And I am reading you. Fingers crossed for all the Oct/Nov cycle Sistas.