Thursday, March 23, 2006
Pre-Day 12: I'm a (Lying) Little Teapot
This excellent post entitled "A watched Pot Never Boils" by Flygirl on She Speaks got me thinking. Click over and read it - she's a great writer.
I am generally a really open person. What you see is what you get. I think my friends and family trust me and know that I don't much bother with artifice. That being said...
Trying to conceive feels like a really private thing to me. From the very beginning, I have kept it to myself (except for one VERY close friend who promised to never ask me "how it's going" and another far-away, IF-experienced friend who I called up to ask about IVF issues). I asked the Hubs to do the same. At first he was like, "Why?" And I explained to him that:
1) I don't want people keeping tabs on my fertility. I don't want them "watching" me or wondering about our fertility when they see us. I for SURE do not want anyone's pity if things don't go as easily as we'd like. For god's sake, we put enough internal pressure on ourselves anyway, the last thing I want is to feel any pressure from outside.
2) I don't want anyone else to have to feel the rollercoaster of hope-disappointment-hope-disappointment. Especially potential grandparents. We are SOOOOO lucky that neither set of parents has EVER put any sort of pressure on us about kids. But I know they're hoping and I couldn't bear to drag them along on this thing I can't control.
I was glad I put these parameters around us at the beginning (guess I was intuitive on that one) because things have not been successful yet and I am extremely glad I only have to deal with myself and (very supportive) Hubs.
Here's the thing, though. When people ask me directly if we're going to have kids (why the hell do people feel compelled DO that?!), I now have to lie. I basically say the same thing I was saying before we pulled the goalie. Which is, "Well... we're thinking about it. We're talking about it, but not entirely sure yet." I guess this is a boring enough answer that they kind of smile conspiratorily and then usually leave it alone (after maybe a "Well, it's the best thing I've ever experienced, so I recommend it" or a "Well... don't wait tooooo long. I know a lot of people who have had trouble").
Is it ok to lie about this? I feel ok about it with acquaintances and friends who are not really close... I don't believe they care deeply about my answer anyway. They just want to know in a curious sense, or want to know if you'll be joining them in the Parenthood Club. But I am beginning to feel guilty about it in a few situations. And if IVF is successfull, and I choose to disclose that we used ART... if they are paying attention, they will know that I was giving them this bullshit line for years while we failed enough to get to this point.
I would say, now that we're doing IVF it's even weirder. This is a big procedure, you know? I would love to discuss it with my dad (happens to be an MD and we're really close) but even the thought of exposing him to the hope and then the statistically-likely failure makes me feel ill. I'll be stoked to talk to him about all of it after the fact, when it's all over - regardless of outcome. Part of me feels like I'm lying by not disclosing in this particular case.
Posted by YouGuysKnow at 2:20 PM