Monday, March 27, 2006

Pre-Day 16: Jealousy, an Unusual Appearance

I rarely experience jealousy. I remember that I did occasionally as a kid, but not really so much since I've been an adult. When good things happen to others (even those I don't like so much) I don't feel jealous. I don't really see a connection between them and me. For example, even when someone gets a job that I was hoping to get... I don't quite see it as a reflection on me, so I don't resent them for it. I might be a bit disappointed but then I just figure it wasn't meant to be for me and I let it roll off. I don't get jealous when other women hit on my (very) handsome husband. I choose to trust him, and I don't worry about it. If I didn't trust him, I would not be in the relationship. I don't know why all this is the case with me, but it just seems to be.

Well, I recently found out that a "couple friends" of ours is 13 weeks pregnant and when my husband told me I got into the shower and balled my eyes out. It's not that I don't wish them well (I most certainly do!) but I think I was using their TTC as a bit of an emotional crutch. Like a mental, "See, we're not the only ones trying for a long time. It's just not so easy for everyone. We're not the only ones." (They had been very open about TTC so I knew they were trying, whereas we have kept TTC to ourselves.)

I could never have suspected it would be such a blow when he told me. I was jealous and fucking pissed off. It wasn't about her. Or them. It was about my frustration. It was real, true jealousy. I did not like it.

I don't feel it very intensely now, after that initial explosion. Saw her the other day and it was fine to talk about all the details of her pregnancy and she's a cool person. There was only a tiny undercurrent left in me.

Funny, because right around the same time (same week!) ANOTHER friend reported that she was pregnant. But this did not ilicit the same reaction in me. I mean, I think I did say, "Oh man, another one!" or something, but there were no jealous feelings. I really do think the problem lies in the way I had set my first friend up as a crutch for myself.

Last time that'll happen.

Hey, all you new IF web-friends out there ... I hereby promise you that I will never feel jealous when you've become pregnant. So don't forget to celebrate with me when it happens!! I will read your pregnancy and parenting blogs and take it all as proof that good things happen to good people :) You are not my new friends because you're experiencing IF (even though that's how we found one another). You're my new friends because you're fun, funny, articulate, honest, open women who have the guts to lay it all out. That will not change.

May this Spring be fertile for all of you, in mind, body and ... that other place!


Just another Jenny said...

Thank you for the well wishes.

I know exactly where you are coming from. I had a friend going through fertilty testing at the same time as us. They ended the getting pregnant during testing and we ended it infertile. Their pregnancy is very hard for me to deal with because they were the only "live" people I knew going through this and then the ditched me at the last minute. I don't feel that way at all about people on the blogs, I am geniunely happy for them. I am happy for my friend to, but very jealous.

I rambled - sorry. Just want you to know you are not alone.

the waiting line said...

. . in the same boat. A good friend and mine commiserate each time we hear SOMEONE ELSE's good news. Man, jealousy and infertility sucks. Can't wait 'til it's over! In the meantime, I'm with you - I still want to hear success stories of fellow IF'ers. :-)

Sunnie said...

*looking upward at Jenny's comment* :)

Hey Jenny...remember we are all live...only a phonecall away :)

I have 1 friend- preg with 3rd child
1 friend- pregnant with 1st child after 4 yrs of marriage
1 friend- pregnant with 2nd child after trying for 1 year.

They all told me in the same few weeks. Very hard to handle....I think I said oh, another one too! :)

How do you balance being happy for people and the snarky jealousy that creeps up?

I'll let you know when I find that answer. ;)

fisher queen said...

Tough to deal with that's for sure. i think you're right about the not setting people up part. Maybe that's the trick?

N said...

It is exactly the same for me. Some announcements make me cry and let jealousy's worst side come out and at other occasions I nearly feel nothing more that "ok 1 down, 100 more to come" and make some cynical remark. I posted about it too.

I think everybody who is TTC has at some point felt envious or jealous. For me it is mostly belly-envy. Once the baby has popped out I am not longer envious, because then I see that it is "their" baby.

So, long story short, don't feel bad about being jealous. It is one of the normal IF side-effects. And do vent about it in your blog. It does help (at least for me)

Take care!


soralis said...

I like one-half's comment that it is a normal IF side-effect.

I am really happy for those who have suffered through IF and get PG but I still have my issues with the fertile gals out there.

When you find the magic cure to the jealous feelings please let us know!!!

Take care and wishing you success

Flygirl said...

Boy do I know where you're coming from. I just found out a girl I work with is pregnant. After a whopping 3 months of trying.

I cannot tell you how hard that hit me. I was absolutely devastated. I was angry and not at her but at... something. It's been one of the hardest weeks that I've ever had. I just feel like throwing up my hands. 3 months of trying? I've been on Clomid almost the same amount of time that she's been trying and still nothing for me.

It's hard to even understand natural conception anymore. Seems like a fantasy life that some people get to live.

Jo said...

Hit the nail on the head.
I think it's a normal feeling to be jealous when someone has what you want. I think it's amplified 10 tenfold with IF.

MY SIL was 8.5 months P, kept saying how she felt so bad and she "just wanted this thing out." My sister had a chemical, and I had an ectopic all within this 2 month window. I never wanted to smack someone so hard in my life. Wanted to scream, "AT LEAST YOU HAVE ONE!" I think if we hadn't been trying for years, and not feeling so raw and bitter, I would have taken it for what it was. Just a comment from a pregnant woman. No one knew that we were going through IVF, so it's not like anything said was intentional.

I also think IF makes us more sensitive as well. Do we get over it? Not really, you can't erase all the pain, needles, hormones and stress we have to go through. But I do believe it makes US a lot more sensitive.

Lori said...

I'm sorry. I suspected neighbors of ours were dealing with IF and when I found out they were pregnant it was a bit of a blow. Jealousy is tough to deal with when it happens like that but I guess the best you can do is roll with the punches.
May Spring be fertile for you as well.

Flygirl said...

Hi Utrus! HNT = Half nekkid Thursday. It's by joining in fun stuff like that that I keep myself sane. (and keeps it so that I can laugh at myself)

Here's the link to the "guidelines".

Maya said...

Yep, I know the feeling. The crutch thing was very insightful. I think it is always hard when someone gets what you have been wanting (it's a basic reaction for babies). I know I want them to have it, I just want it too. Is that jealousy or my very own justice? Hmm, maybe that will be the title of my next post.

meg from the egg said...

...ah yes, that ol' story... i too had the couple i was using to justify the fact that it was ok that it was taking us so long... alas we passed that nine-month "deadline" of mine and went to have tests. the rest is very almost history...

seattlegal said...

Just came upon your blog, and felt like leaving a comment.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately (so much so I thought of writing a post on my blog about it) - that I didn't used to be this way. I didn't use to be so jealous of women when I heard they were pregnant, but in the past 2 years (we've been trying for 4), I've become incredibly jealous of the fertile ones out there who get pregnant so easily. However, the women in my support group or those who I know online - I am so incredibly excited that they made it out of infertility with a baby.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I feel the same way you do. And now that I found your blog, I'll be reading! Take care!