Wednesday, October 18, 2006

I Heart hCG

Second beta (9dp5dt, 10AM) = 464. Doubling time of 1.5 days.

For the past two days I have been wondering how to write about this. It's similar to what I have read on others' blogs. I feel:

1) Happy.

2) Sure it won't work out.

3) Relief that things (in this aspect of life) might actually work out.

4) Guilty that others are not experiencing what I am right now.

5) Thankful that at least I know I can even GET .... you know...

6) Calm when I realize that it is what it is and I can't control any of it.

7) Disbelief because I have never experienced this before and it happens to other people, not to me. This cannot possibly be real.

I hope that this positive does for you what other people's positives have always done for me: give me great hope. Just as their negatives, miscarriages and other challenges have made me cry with pain and continue to scare the crap out of me. I am a LONG LONG way from things working out in this part of my life, but we're further than we've ever been. I hope that no matter where you are on your journey you will get where you need to go, and I hope that I will, too.

I need all of you. Please stay with me. I will never start a pregnancy blog separate from this one, I will never "forget where I came from." Don't think for a second that I don't know that I could very well wind up right back where I started. In the blink of an eye this post could look foolish and full of hubris. But there's one thing I've been meaning to express for a while - from before this FET #2 even started.

I have learned more about myself in the past year and a half of IF than I have ever before in my life. Coming to the realization, about 6 or 8 weeks ago, that I was going to truly be ok and that my life could be good even without children has been a gift. I will never be the same. I got hurt and I have been working hard at healing - coming throught the other side of a battle with anxiety/depression brough on by IF issues was just hard enough for me to know that I can survive this. And whatever may come next. If anyone wants my assvice about therapy and meditation and other helpful hints, please ask and we'll start up an email correspondance.

I now wish I had written this before my positive so that there would be no doubt that the optimism wasn't due to the positive. This experience has been a gift. A gift that I didn't want when it showed up at my door. A gift that I wouldn't specifically wish on anyone else. But now that I've been living it, I can see the value. If it was deemed to be worth the (expensive IVF) price we paid for it on Antique Roadshow I would not sell it. I would keep it. It is part of who I am.

Please take some of the happiness generated by my current experience and put it in your own heart. It isn't mine, it is all of ours. Just as we're never alone when there's great pain.



TeamWinks said...

We are all very happy with you!

J.N. said...

I'm just thrilled that you've got such a great b-hCG. :)

You should be happy - dont feel guilty.

I, for one, know I will not leave you now that you've got your BFP!! Its a long haul from here to there - and then the journey really starts!!

*HUGS* Keep those posts coming and I'll keep coming back to read!

olivegirl said...

That is such great news - thanks for spreading the hope around. Just a few days before my first embryo transfer, I went to see the Dalai Lama speak. He said something that I recognized might help me in the days ahead...which was to develop a calm mind...easier said than done by a person who thinks a mile a minute. I struggled to find a calm mind in the days after the failed IVF, but I am feeling better now, less anxious and pessimistic, and maybe even just a teensy bit hopeful.

Anonymous said...

I'm just so happy for you and thrilled at the continuing good news with the betas.

Thalia said...

What a lovely post, UtRus, I'm so pleased for you, and really touched by your thoughtfulness about the situation.

Lyrehca said...

Beautiful post, and your feelings about the beta numbers resonate with me. I hope things continue to go well.

Anonymous said...

Lurking for the past few days with bated breath waiting for your good news. . . your last post was truly inspiring to me. I had two dd in my 20's and I'm now 38 and ttc for #3 with a new dh. It's been a few months and nothing seems to be working and I'm worried because I feel that I'm now stuck with crappy old eggs. Anyhow, all this is a long way to say, THANK YOU, for the hope, the inspiration and the realization that no matter what happens, dh and I love each other very much, are truly blessed with our two gorgeous dd (who really adore him) and we're all going to be okay.

soralis said...

I am just catching up! I am so happy for you!!!

Take care

Hopeful Mother said...

Thanks for spreading the hope and sharing your joy with us. I am so happy for you and with you.

I am not going anywhere - will keep reading and supporting you no matter what!

BigP's Heather said...

Beautiful post. It is so true. We do share peoples pain and we are totally sharing in your joy! I am so very happy for you!! Enjoy every minute of it. Hope it is a smooth pregnancy and ends with a beautiful, healthy, happy baby(ies) of your dreams.

Lut C. said...

Congrats on the good beta results.
I'm glad you're feeling more joy than anxiety. You're not there yet, but there's a promiss in the air.

beagle said...

Every positive IS a ray of hope.

I am so glad you got your! Enjoy, guilt free!

charlie's mom said...

I'm just catching up too! Congrats!

NikkiM said...

SssssssssssssoooooooOOOOOOOOooooweeeEEEEeeeet! UGOGRRL !!! I am sooo happy fo ryou - you did in fact win the lottery :)

We won't leave you, you'll always have friends in BlogLand :)

Debbi said...

Well, you've jumped the first hurdle, PREGGO WOMAN! Congratulations to you. Sure there are still a whole lot of hurdles ahead of you and you'll have days that you worry and days you're wondering but you'll also have some glorious days. Enjoy!!

Bea said...

Hey - this is great news! And I loved your bit at the end (damn having not posted it prior to beta day!). Also, your list of thoughts, very profound.

Well, you know what the most likely outcome is from here - that's right, healthy pregnancy, healthy baby. I hope those other possibilities aren't going to cause you too much anxiety - but it sounds like you're in a good place for perspective and hope.


Melzie said...

YAY!!! That is wonderfully exciting! And now that I have decided just one more try, I'll be hopeful for me too. YAY for you guys though- YAY!!!!

Mony said...

Aren't you the sweetest thing! I will take a little of your happiness and carry it with me during my own FET.

Bask in your glorious moment! Wonderful!

Emmie said...

OMG--I just tuned in and read your news. Congrats!!! I am so happy for you. I know the mixed bag of feelings you're experiencing right now, but overall, isn't it great? (Ok, it took me 2 ultrasounds to get to feeling great, but the feeling is now there, trust me!) Can't wait to hear more.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am absolutely thrilled for you. I hope that everything continues to go smoothly. I will be checking back for updates. Hugs.

TraceyF said...

COGRATS!!!! I am so happy for you. :)
One of our Own

Family Ties said...

Alright, so I can't even see my screen for the tears. WOW. I am very happy for you.

You're with child :) In the family way...knocked up... :) wow

Serenity said...

OMG! I just checked this for the first time in a WHILE apparently... Congratulations!!!

I will continue to check back for updates. In the meantime, ENJOY THIS.

I am so happy for you!!!!

Rachel said...

Good luck. I am so hopeful for you. Sending (continued) positive vibes your way!

Beatrice Divina said...

I just kind of wandered by from another blog and wanted to say:
1. congratulations
2. I lit a candle for your little sprog-to-be tonight.

Good luck. May you not spend the next nine months believing that this is about to be the end of everything, and wind up with a beautiful...well, you know. Offspring. :)

Anonymous said...

I know I'm commenting on an old post, but I needed to let you know how you've been a comfort to me recently.

As you may remember, DH and I were blessed with a daughter after our IVF cycle back in 2006. Soon after, I stopped blogging, but I continue to read many of the girls that I found along the journey, including you. I remember being right there with you when you had your ET and OHSS, the first FET, and the second FET with the babes.

Now, I prepare myself to have a FET of my own in a short five weeks. You immediately came to mind when I decided to go back and read some archives of others that have been here before.

I hope the little ones are doing well! Please write when you have two seconds to spare. :)